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Assalamualaikum…

Just nak tulis apa yang dapat masa motivational talk that was given by Ustaz Nor Hafizi masa Tahfiz Camp. InsyaAllah boleh jadi peringatan dan panduan untuk diri ini dan sahabat2 seperjuangan yang pernah sama2 bertungkus-lumus menghafaz kitab suci Allah….Kadang2 rasa sedih dan takut sangat sebab tak dapat nak kekalkan hafazan…takut sangat bile Al-Quran tak menjadi priority kita….sibuk sangat study sampai lupa Al-Quran..bila fikir2 balik….dalam satu hari berapa lama masa diperuntukkan for Al-Quran…3jam? 1jam? Setengah jam? Few minutes? Or tak bukak langsung? Rasa perlu sangat kawan2 untuk ingatkan selalu….alhamdulillah kadang2 ada yang datang bilik tibe2 tebuk….at least recall juga…. Ustaz Felza kata takde sape boleh ingat semua..if tak mengulang…..peringatan untuk diri sendiri…..jangan lupa Al-Quran kerana kecuaian kita….takde jadual mengulang…iadah ikut mood…..kita takut nanti disana kita jumpa Allah dalam keadaan berpenyakit….Nauzubillah

Al-Quran tak boleh kita jadikan secondary thing to be done….kena sentiasa utamakan n peruntukkan masa untuk murajaah….peruntukkan masa yang khas untuk mengulang…at least dalam jadual harian kita ada masa…before subuh, after subuh, in between maghrib isya’….mayb ni minimum yang sepatutnya kita buat…if tak sibuk setiap kali after solat kena mengulang…..jangan sesekali kita ikut mood…bila rasa nak mengaji baru nak buka Al-Quran…bila sibuk terus lupakan….

Selalunya ayat yang kita baca dalam solat la yang paling kita ingat…..kena rajin jadi imam…baca ayat lain2…dalam solat tahajjud…if surah senang kita boleh baca perlahan, dalam hati..cepat and banyak sikit dapat baca…if lupa terus refer Quran…lagi2 kita yang selalu kesuntukan masa dan tak cukup masa ni…bak kata Imam Hasan Al-Banna dalam wasiat kesepuluhnya..…kewajipan tu lebih banyak dari waktu…kena pandai gunakan masa…..

Ustaz Hafizi kata lagi…kita kena selalu main tebuk2…jumpa je kawan…tebuk…tapi jgn tebuk je…if lupa buka balik Quran..check…if kita buat, secara tak langsung kita sentiasa ingat mengingatkan diri sendiri dan kawan…kalau kat rumah boleh suruh parents or adik2 tebuk….Ustaz kata lagi kita kena masyi surah2 biasa yang orang lain pun hafaz dan baca dalam solat…as-sajadah, al-mulk, al-insan, al-waqiaah, al-mu’minun etc….kena rajin buat solat hifzi….kena banyak mujahadah nafsu, kurangkan tidur, bangun malam untuk tahajjud dan Quran…kenapa kita rasa berat sangat nak bangun malam? Rasanya sebab tak biasakan diri….

Kaedah2 murajaah lain yang ustaz ada sebut..selalu dengar bacaan Qari from CD or kaset….pagi2 masa get ready nak pg kelas, masa iron baju, breakfast…. boleh pasang dan dengar…kena ada sifat bersaing, kenal pasti ayat2 dalil and of course banyakkan doa, sebelum dan selepas menghafaz….

Semoga kita sama2 dapat menjaga Al-Quran…

“Ya Allah, dengan Al-Quran, kurniakanlah kasih sayangMu kepada hamba. Jadikan Al-Quran sebagai imam, cahaya, hidayah, dan sumber rahmat bagi hamba. Ya Allah, ingatkan hamba bila ada ayat yang hamba lupa mengingatnya. Ajarkan pada hamba, ayat yang hamba tidak memahaminya. Kurniakan kepada hamba kenikmatan membacanya sepanjang waktu, baik tengah malam atau siang hari. Jadikan Al-Quran bagi hamba sebagai hujjah, Ya Rabbal ’Alamin”

Hari ni genap 23 tahun aku hidup kat dunia ni. Alhamdulillah masih lagi dikurniakan umur, meningkat setahun lagi usia. 23 tahun….rasa cepat sangat masa berlalu…rasa macam tak percaya je dah 23 tahun..tua dah tu…nak dekat sepertiga umur (majority life span rakyat Malaysia)…Rasa sedih sangat….kita ni masih lagi dikurniakan umur…teringat kat Khalid….bila la pulak agaknya tiba giliran kita…Buka msg2 lama dalam handset….genap setahun yg lepas, 8 April 2006 ada msg from Khalid… “Happy Birthday! May Allah bless you..” This year n akan datang takde lagi msg dari dia….

Apa yang aku dah buat sepanjang 23 tahun ni? Apa yg dah achieved? Aku dah lalui few stages of life….rasa sgt Allah permudahkan my path of life..setakat ni alhamdulillah apa yang nak…dapat….nak blaja kat SBP dapat…nak pegi DQ dapat…nak masuk UIA…dapat..nak buat medic…dapat….Alhamdulillah, syukur sangat2….

Tapi terasa lagi diri ni tak cukup menunjukkan rasa terima kasih….masih lagi buat dosa…amalan kurang meningkat….i really hope to a better person…a better muslimah……usia ibarat mutiara, tiada berganti, hiaskan iman bersulam taqwa, agar sempat mengucup haruman syurgawi…

Just nak imbas balik apa yg dah berlaku selama 23 tahun hidup…

1984- Lahir…dah cipta satu kejayaan yg sgt besar….berjaya melalui a hazardous journey… ingat lagi masa dah term…rasa nak keluar dari uterus ummi….mula2 my head enter pelvis in transverse position (kira dah engaged la)…pastu descent lagi sket…head flexed…internal rotation (occipito anterior position tau)…sampai below symphysis pubis….my head extended…rasa midwife tolak2 kepala kita…pastu ummi push sampai la kepala yg besar ni terkeluar….pastu rasa kepala pusing ke tepi sket (restitution)…pastu ada tgn yg check my leher…tengok ada tak umbilical cord around neck…pastu dia tarik my kepala sampai terkeluar semua…..Lahirlah seorang baby girl, berat 3.8kg kat Sussex Hospital, Brighton….

1985-1989- From neonate membesar sket….become infant..from complete head lag to full head control….about 7months..pandai roll supine to prone…pastu crawl….boleh jalan pegang tepi2….pastu blaja tatih sampai la boleh jalan. Alhamdulillah takde developmental delay…..kire bile plot growth chart to within normal centile la…

Membesar lagi…toddler…masa tu dok umah je..tak pegi tadika pun…kat umah main LEGO, LASY, main masak2….doktor2…Masa ni ada bantal busuk n teddy bear busuk…kat mana tah teddy bear tu..lama tak jumpa… Masa kecik2 dulu selalu ikut ummi n abah g program…gi usrah…masa ni la kenal dgn mcik2….kawan2…Masa ni dah ada dua adik..sumayyah n khalid….

1989-1995- Masuk darjah satu kat sekolah islam al-irsyad..masa tu umur baru 6 tahun…tapi abah tanya nak sekolah tak…so sekolah je la…sekolah tu abah n pakcik2 yg mulakan….masa tu kat banglo kat kubang buaya…bes blaja kat situ….yela kawan bape kerat je…muallim muallimah pun sikit….tiap kali rehat pegi kat tingkap koperasi cakap kat muallim: ”ana uridu an ashtari shikulatah”…masa tu yg glamer coklat boyboy yg perasa oren ngan strawberry tu….. Alhamdulillah membesar dalam suasana yg islamic….. seronok sangat sekolah kat irsyad…..lagi satu yg ingat bile ada persembahan masa ihtifal…pentas tade..so muallimah susun meja byk2 jadi pentas…

1996-1998- masuk sekolah menengah kat ihsan. Masa tu tak amek UPSR pun..tak cukup umur..masuk Ihsan pun guna trial punye results…tapi dapat je masuk sbb masa interview cakap arab ngan ustaz…terus diterima masuk sekolah tu walaupun takde UPSR….so mula la alam sekolah menengah…suasana tak berapa beza sgt sbb clasmates ramai yg dari irsyad….kitorg buka empayar bahasakan diri ana-anti…ramai gak yg ikut….amik PMR kat sini…

1998- pindah umah melaka

1998-2000- masuk SMAP Kajang….1st time duk asrama…kagum ngan sekolah ni…cikgu bes2…students pandai2….rasa inferior je…yela form4 baru kan….org lain dr form 1 sekolah tu….masa  ni la mula pandai sket pasal lagu2 yg tah hape….sbb kat dorm tu ada je yg pasang radio…mula la tau nsync la westlife la..n tah hape2 lagi….kelaka je rasa… biasa la umur tgh meningkat…masa belasan tahun ni la pengaruh sekitar kuat…tu yg masa umur2 camni ada yg krisis identity….problem among teenagers pun byk….amik SPM….

2001-2002- Masuk Darul Quran….This is the best place ever (tpt stadi)..rindu kat suasana DQ….sentiasa dgn Quran…from b4 subuh ngaji..after subuh ngaji…gi kelas tasmi’…kelas madah…balik zohor ngaji lagi sampai asar ngaji lagi…after maghrib ngan Quran lagi sambung after Isya’ sampai ngantuk….esok ulang lagi rutin…petang if pegi tasik huffaz pun bawak Quran…..main tenis pakai jubah….trekking ngan jubah…pegi sungai mengulang Quran….hmm…bila la nak dapat suasana camtu lagi….Alhamdulillah berjaya graduate from DQ after one and a half years…

2002-2004- Matriks UIA PJ..Ni zaman aktif dalam society…masa tu 1st batch prog tahfiz UIA-DQ….so macam2 harapan org letakkan….suruh pegang ni…pegang tu….terlebih aktif la masa ni…..mula2 UIA offer pharmacy..n mmg nak amik pmacy…tak terfikir pun nak convert medic..ummi pun kata tak payah….ummi kata nanti busy sgt camane dgn Quran? Susah nak maintain nanti….tapi masa sem akhir Khalid sakit….kat haematology ward HKL tu specialists semua chinese doctors….ummi kata tukar la amik medic…ramaikan muslim doctors….so amik la form utk tuka medic n alhamdulillah dapat….ada hikmahnya….stakat ni minat sgt dgn medicine….

2004- masuk main campus UIA kuantan as a medical student. Alhamdulillah dah 4 posting…surgery, internal medicine, obstetrics n gynaecology n currently paediatrics….semua minat….

April 2006- Jaulah

Singapore

n

New Zealand

. After habis je professional exam 2^nd year..plan nak g jalan2…alhamdulillah after a few years kumpul duit scholarship…I managed to travel to

New Zealand

by my own savings…. Ni la first time kuar dari

Malaysia

sejak balik fr

UK

masa baby. Pegi Singapore dgn Azah to attend Farhan’s wedding….Duit tak sampai Rm50 pun keluar…kat sana mak susi (kawan kat DQ) yg support….stay kat umah susi..taxi makcik yg bayar…bwk jalan….belanja jubah….hmm..thanks a lot to makcik, susi n yana…

Balik

Singapore

terus pg

New Zealand

with K.Hanifah n Timah 10 hari…. I spent about RM5000 including return tickets…alhamdulillah dapat cover byk jugak interesting places…..both north n south islands…New Zealand is a very beautiful country..tak rugi pergi….memang kagum dgn kehebatan Allah…Subhanallah…Sebab tu ada dalam Quran Allah suruh kita berjalan…lihat alam..semua ni adalah ayat2 Allah….for us to ponder…Thanks to Sumayyah yg bawak g jalan2 walaupun nak exam…thanks to senior2 dia kat Auckland…Salwa, Pupu, Ana, mima, kak su yg byk tolong..fetch kitorg kat airport..bwk g tgk bintang :> jalan pusing

Auckland

….book backpackers…masak etc. Kawan Sumayyah kat

Christchurch

…Ummu n Miza…kat

Dunedin

…Syuhadah n friends yg masak mee sup..iman yg bagi tido kat blek dia…senior2 umah depan yg masak nasi ayam….n kat timaru, brother ahmad, k.rina n ayoub…

Nov 2006- khalid pergi untuk selama-lamanya (O Allah, forgive him, grant him mercy, grant him wellbeing (safety), pardon him, purify him from sins, just as the white garment is cleansed of filth. Exchange his dwelling for a better dwelling, his family for a better family. Enter him into

Paradise

8 April 2007- My 23^rd birthday….semlm pegi Tahfiz Camp….memang perlu pegi program2 cam ni….Alhamdulillah rasa motivated sgt2…yang paling menarik Explorace….ni la Explorace yg paling ilmiah…..our 1^st checkpoint kena bg ayat2 hukum….mencuri….zina..arak…etc…kena habiskan baca the whole ayat…yg ayat zina tu tak dapat nak habiskan..macam kelabu2 asap je…teruk betul.pastu ada yg kena tebuk….terjemah ayat….bg satu ayat for each nabi….keluarkan hukum tajwid, silangkata etc….seronok gak….

Panjang sgt dah ni…yela mana taknya cerita utk 23 tahun…..bila fikir2 balik….what have I done for Islam? Ada ke tak contribution kita…..camana kerja dakwah kita? Ada peningkatan tak? Rasa belum lagi mencurah tenaga yg ada ni semaksimum mungkin utk bekerja…..Untuk sahabat2 seperjuangan…..sama2 lah kita ingat-mengingatkan….

Satu Pertemuan Berharga di Alam Mimpi

December 28, 2006  | Permalink

Petang tadi pergi ziarah kubur Khalid b4 balik Kuantan…teringat nak post apa yang dah tulis b4 this…lama dah simpan…

All these while, I have always been the type of person who would keep to myself anything that happen to me, be it good or bad, hurtful or otherwise and would just regard them as happenings that we would all reckon as having some hikmah which only Allah Most Gracious knows. But after the passing of my wonderful beloved brother Khalid, I began to see a lot of hikmah behind many things that happened years before. I’ve shared  this with my friends, my adik2 usrah, in qiyamullail programme and now I want to write about it here so that everybody can read and maybe we can learn something InsyaAllah.

          My father is a government servant. He started to work for the government since he came back from Brighton till today. Abah started his career as a lecturer in a polytechnic and now he is a school principal. Many of abah’s friends that started working in the government sector have moved on to the private sectors or to work in universities for better pay and they now earn lucrative incomes as high as ten to fifteen thousand ringgit per month. But abah stayed on and now, after over two decades of loyal service  earn about 4000 per month. I always asked abah why he did not follow the footsteps of his peers and pursue greener pastures? They are of the same batch with him, studied together but now they have bigger salary, big house, good car etc etc…but abah would just reply ‘don’t look at the people above us…just look at the ones that are less fortunate than us’…so I just kept quiet after that. After Khalid became sick in 2003 I started to realize that there are hikmahs behind my father “loyalty” working as a government servant.  Khalid’s treatment of chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant are all covered by the government. Chemotherapy drugs are so expensive…do you have any idea as to how much cancer treatment would cost in the private hospitals? Bone marrow transplants alone would consume costs between RM45 000 and RM120 000 and prior to BMTs are several sessions of chemotherapy and radiotherapy which would cost a lot too. It’s not surprising that the same treatment that my brother went through would cost close to half a million. The hikmah of my father staying on is realized only after so many years has passed.

          Last March, abah planned to go to New Zealand to visit my sister, Sumayyah out of concern over her health, so we went to the MATTA fair in PWTC to buy tickets… Abah planned to go on 13 November but then the tickets were sold out until December. We were quite disappointed…and as usual I’m the one who would fret and grumble in annoyance…I had bad thoughts that the airline people are cheating…how come all of the tickets get sold out? Did they allocate lots of tickets or had just a limited amount on discounts? In response to my grumblings, abah just said…takde rezeki nak pegi. If Allah had willed that he went to NZ, he would have got a ticket for sure because the fair was in March which was many months prior to the intended trip. There is indeed a hikmah behind it..just imagine if he did get a ticket and went to new Zealand on that 13 of November….Khalid passed away on 15 November 2006…just two days after the date that abah planned to go there. Allah knows best….

          Another thing, we thought that Khalid would probably have relapsed since April last year…after the consultant stopped his prednisolone and immunosuppressants to prevent any graft-versus-host disease that was prescribed for few months after transplant, he started to lose appetite and his weight went down almost 10kg…he went for follow up every month in the clinic where the doctor routinely checked his blood counts and for any node enlargement and to observe for signs of rejection and possible relapse and also to look out for signs of infection. On diagnosis he had extensive node enlargement involving his cervical nodes bilaterally, the submandibular, supraclavicular, axillary nodes and also nodes in the para-aortic and iliac region including the inguinal nodes.(Ya Allah, please reward him accordingly for all that he endured…) The doctors would always do the routine physical examination and it made me wonder why they never felt the enlarged inguinal node which only became noticed when his doctor whom he had become very attached to just decided to feel for nodes near the groin. He was taken by surprise to find the 6×4x3 cm node there! For almost two years of follow up nobody had the hunch of checking or even given him appointments for CT scans. Lymphoma patients usually have 2 or 3 CT scans done during a couple of years post transplant, but this aspect of care was overlooked by the doctors maybe because he was always treated as a leukemic patient. Anyway, I would not dwell longer on this matter…what I want to say is we could have discovered the fact that he relapsed much earlier rather than finding out when the disease was widespread but as Muslims we go back to basics that there are things that are destined to happen despite whatever care or monitoring done. We were shocked and unhappy when we were told of his relapse though positive that he would pull through again with the help and mercy of Allah but he passed to the next world peacefully just over a month after that. For a moment, it crossed my mind that.…if only we had known it earlier…maybe he will be okay….but there must be a hikmah….that’s why there is a hadith that forbid us from saying ‘if’….there is a hikmah to what I’ve just related. Khalid was bestowed by Allah Most Beneficient Most Merciful the most enjoyable year of his 19 years of life where he had a full year of wonderful school experience where he found learning to be easy and enjoyable. He even managed to get a driving licence and to be happy of being the top boy of his class. He would have been deprived of all these achievements and happiness if the disease had been discovered earlier on. I would like to think of what happened to my brother in this perspective so that I would always be in the state of redha. We would all surely return to Allah, there is no doubt about that BUT what is our concern is HOW and in what state we want to return to Him. There are many secrets behind everything that befalls us and the hikmah will one day be understood if we have patience and endurance and redha.

Year 2006 will always be a year to remembered and cherished for the rest of my life. This year holds a lot of incidence and happenings, some wonderful and some heartbreaking. I sat for my SPM together with my brother (may Allah bless his soul) who is three years older than me. Who would imagine me ending up being so close to him after being drifted apart from each other since the day we were enrolled with two different boarding schools, me to SMS Muzaffar Shah and Khalid to MRSM Terendak. We only met during school holidays, during which we fought a lot and could not get along in many occasions. But Allah destined us to eventually be in the same class that is 5PKE1 and I sat beside him in class. It saddened me very much when my brother was diagnosed with a life threatening disease which my family and I know nothing of; that is Non-Hodgkin lymphoma which is a cancer of the lymphatic system. It all came down as a shock to him and to all of us. My brother, Khalid has always been healthy and happy. The disease just came knocking and brought a lot of changes into him and also to the rest of us in the family. To cut the story short, he has developed into a very matured, calm and god-hearing person. Actually he was the best among us, in terms of patience and calmness and his inner strength in facing such a difficult and trying test from the Almighty Allah is so great and is something I hope to emulate.

The happy moments that I will cherish are the time we spent together, having breakfast, going to school, studying, watching television and playing games in Play-Station2. My brother Khalid is not like most of  us who would spends hours in front of television. He watched only selected programs like The Apprentice, Third watch and Smallville. He valued his time and had his priorities. He likes to play rugby but could not pursue his interest in this game because of his health condition post chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant. After the transplant using my elder sister, his energy level took a long time to get back to normal. I would pace my walking speed to be equal to his and this caused me many time to be punished by teachers for being late. I do not mind being reprimanded or even caned because I do not want to leave my brother walking to school alone. Furthermore, I had to carry the drawing board, his water bottle and other heavy stuff to ease his burden. During this recovery period he had to avoid physical and psychological stress and I want to be there to help him out.

I enjoyed doing revision with him. He was always very serious about his studies and was determined to achieve the best results. He always did better than me but he started to perform less during the trial exam because he was unwell most of time. It has been almost two years after his bone marrow transplant in 2004 and he was already feeling healthy and disease free but during the trial he was already having symptoms of a relapse. It came as a surprise when doctors broke the news of a relapse of the disease and I was to be tested for a blood match to ascertain whether I would be a possible donor for him as the doctors planned to do a second transplant on him. I was ever too willing to give m bone marrows if this could help him save his life.

I will remember with deep sorrow how determined he was to fight this disease for the second time and still did his revision during his chemotherapy treatment. His eagerness to do well and achieve his dreams was not dampened by the sickness. I brought his books to the ward just as he instructed prior to my visit, during which we discussed about various subjects and the coming exam.

It was really sad that during his chemotherapy he developed an infection in his lungs and succumbed to his disease peacefully within two days. I cried my heart out to see my brother lifeless and gone forever, just a few days from the exam that he was looking forward to do well in since the beginning of the year. Much as I wanted him to recover and get well, I accepted the fate that befalls on my most wonderful and great brother who will remembered. He is also dearly missed by his classmates and teachers, who were all fond of him. We all belong to Allah and to Him we will all return. Allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa’afihi wa’fuanhu…..

-alfatihah-

Abdullah Zubair bin Abdul Aziz

in memory of Khalid Abdul Aziz;

Tonight I’m going to finish my reading on multiple pregnancies as we will have tutorial on the topic this Monday. I’ve read half of the topic in ten teachers and tiba2 je terlintas nak tulis about my name..hmm…mula la x concentrate baca buku…Why abah and ummi chose Asma’ to name me? I love my name…it is simple, sweet, and have a good meaning…berjangkit ngan Awla ke ni? Obsessed with own name…. but I’m not that obsessed sampai surf nama sendiri kat internet…hehe..Awla jgn marah… Ramai yang tanya knape Asma’? bukan maksud dia nama-nama ke? Betul la tu….but the root word is “sama” means ketinggian…kan langit in Arabic “samawat”….langit kan tinggi….ketinggian tu include all aspects….bukan physically je….hmm….I’m not tall…. (tak tinggi ye bukan pendek). Pernah jugak ada yang tanye asma’ tu bukan maksud dia ikan ke? Sabar jela…tu “samakun” ye…check balik dictionary….lagi satu orang eja macam2…ami zaid (my uncle) for years spelled my name ASMAQ….every hari raya kat sampul duit raya dia tulis camtu..busu pun kadang2 eja camtu…ada yang eja ASMAK…tak best btul…masa kat labour room after conduct delivery nurse tanye MS (medical student) nama ape? cakapla asma’…pastu mesti diorang tulis ASMAH…

My parents named me Asma’ sempena one of the great sahabiyyah…Asma’ Abu Bakr dengan harapan I will be a good muslimah like her….I do make some readings on her and hopefully I can be like her….

Nama sebenar: Asma’ bint Abu Bakr as-Siddiq (Asma’ bint Abdullah bin Abu Quhafah)

Gelaran: Dzatun nithaqain (si empunya dua ikat pinggang)

Tarikh lahir: tahun 27 before hijrah

Nama bapa: Saiyyidina Abu Bakr As-Siddiq bin Abu Quhafah

Nama ibu: Qutailah bint Abdul ‘Uzza bin Asa’d bin Jabir Siblings: Abdullah dan ‘Aishah (yang famous)

Masuk Islam: orang ke-18 (riwayat Ibnu Ishaq), 15 years old

Nama suami: Zubair bin Awwam

Nama anak: Abdullah bin Zubair, ‘Urwah bin Zubair, Munzir, ‘Asim, Muhajir, Khalid, Mus’ab, Khadijah, Aisyah,

Hmm..ramai anak ni…dalam buku 133 sejarah wira terbilang di zaman Rasulullah s.a.w (bday present from my usrah mate) ada tulis yang Zubair Al-Awwam dan Asma’ menamakan anak mereka dengan nama2 para syuhada’. Zubair r.a sangat rindu dengan mati syahid dan pernah berkata: ‘ Thalhah bin Ubaidillah (his best friend) memberi nama anak-anaknya dengan nama nabi2 padahal sudah maklum bahawa tidak ada nabi lagi sesudah Muhammad s.a.w, maka aku menamakan anak-anakku dengan nama para syuhada’, semoga mereka berjuang mengikuti syuhada’!” Best tak?

Asma’ Abu Bakr mempunyai peribadi dan akhlak yang tinggi…sesuai dengan maksud namanya…there are lots of stories on her…she’s brave, intelligent, generous, pious, good wife and mother and have semangat pengorbanan yang tinggi…..I’ll write more about her later insyaAllah….insyaAllah kita semua boleh ambil pengajaran….

aassalamualaikum…

tak tau nak tulis apa…hari ni raya eidul adha…raya kat umah nenek…tadi ada photography session….mula2 ramai2..pastu each family satu gamba…sedih rasa tiba2…tak cukup orang..supposed to be 8 persons in my family..i was so used to this number of person in the family…bila semua ada kat umah..nak divide food ke..choc ke..papela mesti bahagi 8…prepare pinggan pun utk 8 orang…tapi skarang dah kurang….Khalid memang dah takde…n Zubair pergi madrasatul hayah…raya with kawan kat sana…takpela…may this one month programme jadikan dia a better muslim and a good dai’e…biar dia prepare awal2 before masuk IPT…
    i’m goin back to kuantan tomorrow..sekejap je dapat duduk umah…nak wat camane…esok sampai2 je after maghrib we plan to go to the labour room…sambung kerja2 bidan…sambut baby…baru dapat 4 baby..6 more to go….bila kat kuantan kurang sikit rasa sedih…sibuk kat ward takde la nak melayan perasaan sangat…tapi bila balik rumah…hmm….
i don think i will have time to write after this…till I finish this O&G posting….
i’ll just paste whatever my sister wrote…kat bawah ni sajak yg dia tulis…i have nil talent to write sajak2 like this…but apa yg sumayyah tulis…sama macam apa yang saya rasa…..

Di Hari Lahirmu
(12 Disember 2006) 

Di hari lahirmu

Kau tiada lagi di sisi

Kau telah pergi bertemu Tuhan

Tuhan yang telah mengizinkan

Untuk kau lahir ke dunia sbg hambaNya

Tuhan yang telah memilihmu

Sebagai insan yang punya keistimewaan

Juga Tuhan yang telah memanggilmu pulang

Di saat aku tidak menyangka

Di hari lahirmu

Ingatanku padamu semakin utuh

Biarpun jasadmu tidak lagi di sisi

Kenangan lalu menjadi pengubat rindu

Rindu yang ku pendam selama setahun

Berpanjangan entah bila ianya akan terungkai

Dengan satu pertemuan

Di hari lahirmu

Aku masih tidak percaya

Yang kau telah tiada

Pemergianmu benar2 mengejutkan aku

Kau pergi di saat kau memberikan harapan

Kau pergi bersama ketabahan dan kecekalan

Kekuatan dan kesabaran

Yang telah lama tersemat dan bersemadi dlm hatimu selama ini

Di hari lahirmu

Ku imbas kembali

Kehidupanmu yg penuh liku2 dan ujian dariNya

Namun tiada keluhan atau sesalan yang kau pamerkan

Kau lalui setiap langkah kehidupanmu dgn tenang

Tetapi kini

Tidak lagi dapat ku lihat

Seorang insan yang melayari hari2nya dgn penuh sabar

Kerana kau telah menerima jemputan istimewa daripada RabbMu

Kau telah menyahut panggilan dari Tuhan yang sgt menyayangimu

Di hari lahirmu

Kehilanganmu masih terasa

Ketiadaanmu di sisi merubah suasana

Kekosongan jelas terpancar dalam kehidupanku kini

Namun, tiada siapa yang berdaya

Melawan takdir Illahi

Biarpun aku masih tidak percaya akan pemergianmu

Hakikatnya kau telah tiada

Namun, aku terus berharap dan berdo’a

Agar Allah memberi peluang

Dengan satu pertemuan abadi denganmu di JannahNya kelak

Di hari lahirmu

Aku pohon dari Tuhan agar dikau tenang di sampingNya

Bak pengantin yang sedang nyenyak tidur

Menanti hari bahagia

Iaitu hari dikau bertemu Allah dengan seri wajah

Iaitu hari dikau dihadiahkan syurga Firdausi

Aku berharap agar Allah terus memberi kekuatan kepadaku

Untuk redha dan sabar menghadapi sebuah kehilangan

Yang amat berharga buat diriku

Aku terus memanjatkan do’a kepada Allah

Agar mengurniakan ketabahan dan kekuatan sepertimu

Untuk menghadapi hari2 yang mendatang

Aku memohon dariNya agar sentiasa memimpinku

Setiap saat menuju JannahNya

Di hari lahirmu

Ingatan padamu ku jadikan inspirasi buat diri

Untuk terus cekal dan tabah meniti kehidupan

Rindu padamu kugantikan dgn kalungan do’a buat dirimu

Kerana hanya itulah yang mampu meyakinkan aku

Yang kau telah pergi buat selamanya

Menghadap Allah dengan tenang dan bahagia

After 21 days my brother Khalid passed away, I am still struggling to accept the fact that he has left us forever to return to Allah Almighty. We will remember and deeply miss him forever. I can’t believe I’ve lost my brother, someone that very close to us. Before this I’ve lost two of my grandfathers and a grandmother. I was not beside them during their last breath. Atuk Maidin passed away when I was 14 years old. That was my first experience and I was really sad and I can’t even look at him in a dying state. I went to the kitchen and sit under the kitchen table and cried, cried and cried. Five years later, atuk Hj.Omar left me, followed by my grandmother just last year.

 I was very grateful I was chosen by Allah to be by Khalid’s side at the time of his last breath.(Ummi is deeply saddened for being deprived to be with him during the last moment of parting…but this is all pre-arranged by Allah who is All Knower) I saw with my own pair of eyes how he released his last two breaths. As soon as ummi went out to take a bath, I went inside…we took turn to be at his side. I looked at the blood pressure machine, his BP was dropping and the doctor said “Your brother is going, call your parents”. I called ummi but failed. A few minutes after that, his oxygen saturation and BP cannot be read, only the heart was still beating. I went to his side and recited the kalimah to him…I said…ingat Allah Khalid…Allah, Allah, Allah….At that time I can’t take it anymore…I cried really hard and I can see him took two deep breaths and became silent just like that…I felt his pulse and it was not there…his heart rate dropped to 26 beats per minute…the doctor said he had passed away….I waited until the monitor showed a straight line…I can’t describe how much sorrow I felt that time…

I’ve lost my brother who was very healthy in spite of the disease that he got. Before he had shortness of breath on Monday, he was okay, he could still walk, go to the bathroom by himself, pray….Everything started on Monday afternoon when he had shortness of breath….doctor inserted a CVP and he was on oxygen and dopamine…later when it was not resolved  they gave him BiPAP (bilateral positive airway pressure ventilatory support)…That thing compressed his face and give pressure to his face…his nose was swollen because of the thing…I can’t forget how he struggled so much to breathe…he was really tachypnoeic…he used all his accessory respiratory muscles….despite all that his spO2 was still low. I never see him cry before but during this time I can see his tears flowing out….he must be in pain…he wanted to urinate and I offered to help him but he refused….although he was in respiratory distress, he still didn’t want me to help him….He is a very shy and modest person, he has always been so….I gave him the uriner and wet tissues to him. It was a very heartbreaking moment to witness how determined he was to do things himself despite being in a critical state. May Allah Most Gracious reward him for his endurance of this difficult and trying moments. He had tears again which is self explanatory of what he is going through.

On that Monday night,  abah, ummi, Zubair, Huzaifah, nenek, ami, nek ummi n makcik were also there to be by his side. There was very little or hardly any communication between all of them and Khalid because he was no longer able to speak. At about 12pm abah and the others went to a hotel to take a rest and ummi and I stayed.  It was so hurtful to look at him….I asked him to take a deep breath and then let go….He was okay for a few minutes but then tachypnoeic again, his respiratory rate was above 40 per minute….he looked restless. At 2 in the morning ummi asked me to sleep while she took care of him. At 3 ummi woke me up and said Khalid had to be intubated. The doctor feared that if he kept on being tachypnoeic like that he would just collapse. When Ummi told Khalid that he had to be intubated…at first he didn’t want to do it but later he agreed….he gave ummi a long stare….until the anaesthesiologist asked us to go out…I asked for a permission to stay but she said that it is better if I was not there. After about a few minutes, everything was done and he was unconscious….I never imagined that he will be like this. The aspergillus that attacked his right lung multiplied really fast because Khalid was immunosuppressed for a long period…his WBC was 0.1 for 14 days….following a high dose chemotherapy regime(MIDAC) plus Campath

His temperature was very high…I did tepid sponging for him to reduce the temperature. I sprayed zam-zam water to his palm and wiped over his face, and wet his lips with the water. I never do these things for him before and hardly touch him because we know that he didn’t like it. Abah came at 4 in the morning. We read Quran and Yasin for him. I went for tahajjud and Subuh prayer in a musolla and I prayed that Allah will cure him…InsyaAllah the antifungal agents can get rid of the fungal infection….and this is the first time I make dua  that Allah will give the best to him….if death is the best for him…kami redha…tapi if umur dia masih panjang…please cure him…don’t let him suffer…we as muslims should believe in qada’ n qadar Allah. Before this everytime in the last sujud, I asked Allah to cure him completely…as long as I’m healthy he will be too. Till now during my last sujud….terdoa camtu…..before I realized that he already went to see the Almighty.  All Praise be to Allah for giving me such a great brother, whose nineteen years of presence in this temporary world is that of pure goodness, calmness and happiness which my family and I will miss forever. ALLAHUMAGHFIRLAHU WARHAMHU WA’AFIHI WA’FU’ANHU

http://khalidaziz.blogs.friendster.com/khalids_blog/

CHAPTER 1:THIS IS MY LIFE….

Assalamualaikum semua… aku buat blog ni untuk berkongsi pengalaman hidup aku dgn semua kawan2 aku sebab ramai yang tanya kenapa aku ambik spm lambat….aku tulis dlm BI tau… (Khalid tak sempat amik spm..he passed away just one week before spm…he targeted 11A’s for the exam)

THIS IS MY STORY…… My name is Khalid Abdul Aziz. I was born on 12 December 1987. Now my age is 18 years old. I was in form 4 at SM Teknik Bukit Piatu, Melaka. In school, I was very active in sport. I can play all sports like rugby, football, badminton n table tennis. But I only play rugby for my school. I enjoy this game because it can improve my stamina n can srengthen my muscles. Although it is a rough game but it is a good way to release tension by tackling n pulling down the players of the opposing team.. hehehe…Other than sports, I also involve myself in cadet(pkbm).As a cadet, I represent the school n state cadet team. I’m an outdoor person.

CHAPTER 2: NEVER TAKE HEALTH 4 GRANTED

In mid July 2003, I discovered a lump on the left side of my neck. It was 2cm in diameter. I wasn’t worried about it because it was not painful. I thought it was my pulse. But, after a few weeks, it grew bigger and I found another one behind my neck. During one of my camping, I consulted the army doctor about my lumps n he said that I should be worried if the lumps get bigger. He advised me to go to the doctor if that happens. In 18 October 2003, my father took me to a private GP(General Practioner) to have my swollen lymph nodes checked. After a physical examination of a node, he refered me to the general hospital. He was not sure what caused my nodes to swell. 3 days later, I went to the general hospital. There, I had a chest x-ray and a blood test done. The results were normal n the doctor refered me to the ENT(ear,nose n throat) clinic for further investigation. All this happened very fast n caught me by suprise. For all of you out there one lesson to be learned is NEVER TAKE HEALTH 4 GRANTED….

CHAPTER 3: I WAS SHOCKED

On the second of Ramadhan that is 26 October 2003, I went to the ENT clinic, bringing along the referral letter. Since that day, I went through a battery of tests such as laryngoscopy, a fine needle biopsy, ultra sound scan, a CT scan, and blood test. I WAS VERY SHOCKED with all these tests because it was my first experience in my life n it was VERY PAINFUL!!!. An appointment was made on the first December with a specialist to got a diagnosis. While waiting for diagnosis, I found more lumps in my elbow n groin area. I don’t really understand what is going on in my body because I don’t really feel any pain but the ENT doctor said it might be LYMPHOMA. That was the first time I heard of the word lymphoma. My father told me it is type of CANCER. CANCER???!!!!! I was shocked but I felt quite calm when the doctors said that this disease can be cured with the grace of ALLAH. We went again to the ENT clinic on the first of December but I was disappointed when told that the FNAC(fine needle aspiration cytology) was inconclusive because lack of tissue.This means more tests!! That same afternoon, I came back to the clinic to get a node excision. The procedure was quite PAINFUL because they only gave me a LA(local anaesthesia). I was quite suprised at the size of the node. It was as big as a table tennis ball. The CT scan showed that I have multiple cervical swellings. So, another two weeks of waiting to get the node biopsy results. Meanwhile, I prayed so much that I will survive this difficult time with patience n strength with the help of ALLAH MOST GRACIOUS.

CHAPTER 4: GOING DOWNHILL

Since that day, I felt unwell. I became pale,lethargic,night fevers, headaches,breathlessness,night sweats n intense itching. I don’t understand why I became like this because before this I was active n healthy. However, for the past month I learn doing exercise the QIQONG way to help slow down the spread of the disease. I even went to some traditional healers, homeopathy,energy healing n took supplement. My condition became worse n I got admitted in the hospital on the 14 December 2003. On that day, I was very anaemic with a HB(haemoglobin) of 3.1. That explain why I felt weak, breathless n chest discomfort due to lack of oxygen in the body. I was way below the normal HB that is 14-16. I actually collapsed in the ward on the day of admission.I feel thankful to ALLAH to make it possible 4 me to fast n do my tarawikh although my health deteriorated so fast during the month of Ramadhan..

CHAPTER 5: WARDED!!

I stayed in the ward for 13 days. During this time, I got low grade fevers for 12 days n I was on antibiotics all the while. Many tests were done on me like blood tests,gave me oxygen,gave me sodium chloride with drip,transfuse blood n lastly a doctor took a bone marrow specimen through a procedure called the BMA(Bone Marrow Aspiration) because she said they want to look whether the disease has gone to the bones or not. At this point, I was engulfed with anxiety because I can’t imagine how it will be like when they DRILL into my pelvic bone!!!!! Before the BMA, I was injected with pethidine to sedate me n give me less pain when they aspirate the bone marrow. After that, I had to lay for 6 hours. I waited for 1 week 4 the bone marrow result. The result came on Wednesday, 24th December 2003. It shows that possibly my bone marrow has been infiltrated. This means my disease(lymphoma) is at grade 4B which is the most advanced stage. LAHAULAWALAQUWWATAILLABILLAH…..

CHAPTER 6: MY FIRST AMBULANCE RIDE

One day after that, I was off to Hospital Kuala Lumpur in an ambulance because the visiting hematologist wanted me to start treatment there. The night before that, my mother gave me a haircut in the ward because the doctor advised me to, because my hair will drop as a side effect of chemotherapy n I won’t be psychologically affected. The ambulance ride was my first experience. My mother who accompanied me had a tough time in the ambulance because the driver drove fast n it was not very comfortable.

CHAPTER 7: NHL- NON HODGKINS LYMPHOMA

We reached HKL at 8.30 am. We registered at the haematology clinic n I was admitted to ward 19 which is a third class ward. My father is entitled 4 first classnward but it was full at that time. I stayed in ward 19 for 2 days. It was here that the doctors told me that my bone marrow is 90% infiltrated n they would not delay treatment. From their clinical findings n from the bone marrow slides, they have a different diagnosis of my disease that is the NHL ‘T’ cell(NHL-Non Hodgkins Lymphoma) instead of NHL ‘B’ cell as diagnosed by Malacca Hospital. It seems that it is not easy to diagnose this disease because there are about 35 subtypes involving many types of cells in our body. I was overwhelmed with this newly learned fact about the greatness of ALLAH creation. We don’t realise that we are endowed with so many types of cells in our body n when some cells malfunction, our body become sick. SUBHANALLAH- Glory be to ALLAH…….