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After 21 days my brother Khalid passed away, I am still struggling to accept the fact that he has left us forever to return to Allah Almighty. We will remember and deeply miss him forever. I can’t believe I’ve lost my brother, someone that very close to us. Before this I’ve lost two of my grandfathers and a grandmother. I was not beside them during their last breath. Atuk Maidin passed away when I was 14 years old. That was my first experience and I was really sad and I can’t even look at him in a dying state. I went to the kitchen and sit under the kitchen table and cried, cried and cried. Five years later, atuk Hj.Omar left me, followed by my grandmother just last year.

 I was very grateful I was chosen by Allah to be by Khalid’s side at the time of his last breath.(Ummi is deeply saddened for being deprived to be with him during the last moment of parting…but this is all pre-arranged by Allah who is All Knower) I saw with my own pair of eyes how he released his last two breaths. As soon as ummi went out to take a bath, I went inside…we took turn to be at his side. I looked at the blood pressure machine, his BP was dropping and the doctor said “Your brother is going, call your parents”. I called ummi but failed. A few minutes after that, his oxygen saturation and BP cannot be read, only the heart was still beating. I went to his side and recited the kalimah to him…I said…ingat Allah Khalid…Allah, Allah, Allah….At that time I can’t take it anymore…I cried really hard and I can see him took two deep breaths and became silent just like that…I felt his pulse and it was not there…his heart rate dropped to 26 beats per minute…the doctor said he had passed away….I waited until the monitor showed a straight line…I can’t describe how much sorrow I felt that time…

I’ve lost my brother who was very healthy in spite of the disease that he got. Before he had shortness of breath on Monday, he was okay, he could still walk, go to the bathroom by himself, pray….Everything started on Monday afternoon when he had shortness of breath….doctor inserted a CVP and he was on oxygen and dopamine…later when it was not resolved  they gave him BiPAP (bilateral positive airway pressure ventilatory support)…That thing compressed his face and give pressure to his face…his nose was swollen because of the thing…I can’t forget how he struggled so much to breathe…he was really tachypnoeic…he used all his accessory respiratory muscles….despite all that his spO2 was still low. I never see him cry before but during this time I can see his tears flowing out….he must be in pain…he wanted to urinate and I offered to help him but he refused….although he was in respiratory distress, he still didn’t want me to help him….He is a very shy and modest person, he has always been so….I gave him the uriner and wet tissues to him. It was a very heartbreaking moment to witness how determined he was to do things himself despite being in a critical state. May Allah Most Gracious reward him for his endurance of this difficult and trying moments. He had tears again which is self explanatory of what he is going through.

On that Monday night,  abah, ummi, Zubair, Huzaifah, nenek, ami, nek ummi n makcik were also there to be by his side. There was very little or hardly any communication between all of them and Khalid because he was no longer able to speak. At about 12pm abah and the others went to a hotel to take a rest and ummi and I stayed.  It was so hurtful to look at him….I asked him to take a deep breath and then let go….He was okay for a few minutes but then tachypnoeic again, his respiratory rate was above 40 per minute….he looked restless. At 2 in the morning ummi asked me to sleep while she took care of him. At 3 ummi woke me up and said Khalid had to be intubated. The doctor feared that if he kept on being tachypnoeic like that he would just collapse. When Ummi told Khalid that he had to be intubated…at first he didn’t want to do it but later he agreed….he gave ummi a long stare….until the anaesthesiologist asked us to go out…I asked for a permission to stay but she said that it is better if I was not there. After about a few minutes, everything was done and he was unconscious….I never imagined that he will be like this. The aspergillus that attacked his right lung multiplied really fast because Khalid was immunosuppressed for a long period…his WBC was 0.1 for 14 days….following a high dose chemotherapy regime(MIDAC) plus Campath

His temperature was very high…I did tepid sponging for him to reduce the temperature. I sprayed zam-zam water to his palm and wiped over his face, and wet his lips with the water. I never do these things for him before and hardly touch him because we know that he didn’t like it. Abah came at 4 in the morning. We read Quran and Yasin for him. I went for tahajjud and Subuh prayer in a musolla and I prayed that Allah will cure him…InsyaAllah the antifungal agents can get rid of the fungal infection….and this is the first time I make dua  that Allah will give the best to him….if death is the best for him…kami redha…tapi if umur dia masih panjang…please cure him…don’t let him suffer…we as muslims should believe in qada’ n qadar Allah. Before this everytime in the last sujud, I asked Allah to cure him completely…as long as I’m healthy he will be too. Till now during my last sujud….terdoa camtu…..before I realized that he already went to see the Almighty.  All Praise be to Allah for giving me such a great brother, whose nineteen years of presence in this temporary world is that of pure goodness, calmness and happiness which my family and I will miss forever. ALLAHUMAGHFIRLAHU WARHAMHU WA’AFIHI WA’FU’ANHU