My Blog

aassalamualaikum…

tak tau nak tulis apa…hari ni raya eidul adha…raya kat umah nenek…tadi ada photography session….mula2 ramai2..pastu each family satu gamba…sedih rasa tiba2…tak cukup orang..supposed to be 8 persons in my family..i was so used to this number of person in the family…bila semua ada kat umah..nak divide food ke..choc ke..papela mesti bahagi 8…prepare pinggan pun utk 8 orang…tapi skarang dah kurang….Khalid memang dah takde…n Zubair pergi madrasatul hayah…raya with kawan kat sana…takpela…may this one month programme jadikan dia a better muslim and a good dai’e…biar dia prepare awal2 before masuk IPT…
    i’m goin back to kuantan tomorrow..sekejap je dapat duduk umah…nak wat camane…esok sampai2 je after maghrib we plan to go to the labour room…sambung kerja2 bidan…sambut baby…baru dapat 4 baby..6 more to go….bila kat kuantan kurang sikit rasa sedih…sibuk kat ward takde la nak melayan perasaan sangat…tapi bila balik rumah…hmm….
i don think i will have time to write after this…till I finish this O&G posting….
i’ll just paste whatever my sister wrote…kat bawah ni sajak yg dia tulis…i have nil talent to write sajak2 like this…but apa yg sumayyah tulis…sama macam apa yang saya rasa…..

Di Hari Lahirmu
(12 Disember 2006) 

Di hari lahirmu

Kau tiada lagi di sisi

Kau telah pergi bertemu Tuhan

Tuhan yang telah mengizinkan

Untuk kau lahir ke dunia sbg hambaNya

Tuhan yang telah memilihmu

Sebagai insan yang punya keistimewaan

Juga Tuhan yang telah memanggilmu pulang

Di saat aku tidak menyangka

Di hari lahirmu

Ingatanku padamu semakin utuh

Biarpun jasadmu tidak lagi di sisi

Kenangan lalu menjadi pengubat rindu

Rindu yang ku pendam selama setahun

Berpanjangan entah bila ianya akan terungkai

Dengan satu pertemuan

Di hari lahirmu

Aku masih tidak percaya

Yang kau telah tiada

Pemergianmu benar2 mengejutkan aku

Kau pergi di saat kau memberikan harapan

Kau pergi bersama ketabahan dan kecekalan

Kekuatan dan kesabaran

Yang telah lama tersemat dan bersemadi dlm hatimu selama ini

Di hari lahirmu

Ku imbas kembali

Kehidupanmu yg penuh liku2 dan ujian dariNya

Namun tiada keluhan atau sesalan yang kau pamerkan

Kau lalui setiap langkah kehidupanmu dgn tenang

Tetapi kini

Tidak lagi dapat ku lihat

Seorang insan yang melayari hari2nya dgn penuh sabar

Kerana kau telah menerima jemputan istimewa daripada RabbMu

Kau telah menyahut panggilan dari Tuhan yang sgt menyayangimu

Di hari lahirmu

Kehilanganmu masih terasa

Ketiadaanmu di sisi merubah suasana

Kekosongan jelas terpancar dalam kehidupanku kini

Namun, tiada siapa yang berdaya

Melawan takdir Illahi

Biarpun aku masih tidak percaya akan pemergianmu

Hakikatnya kau telah tiada

Namun, aku terus berharap dan berdo’a

Agar Allah memberi peluang

Dengan satu pertemuan abadi denganmu di JannahNya kelak

Di hari lahirmu

Aku pohon dari Tuhan agar dikau tenang di sampingNya

Bak pengantin yang sedang nyenyak tidur

Menanti hari bahagia

Iaitu hari dikau bertemu Allah dengan seri wajah

Iaitu hari dikau dihadiahkan syurga Firdausi

Aku berharap agar Allah terus memberi kekuatan kepadaku

Untuk redha dan sabar menghadapi sebuah kehilangan

Yang amat berharga buat diriku

Aku terus memanjatkan do’a kepada Allah

Agar mengurniakan ketabahan dan kekuatan sepertimu

Untuk menghadapi hari2 yang mendatang

Aku memohon dariNya agar sentiasa memimpinku

Setiap saat menuju JannahNya

Di hari lahirmu

Ingatan padamu ku jadikan inspirasi buat diri

Untuk terus cekal dan tabah meniti kehidupan

Rindu padamu kugantikan dgn kalungan do’a buat dirimu

Kerana hanya itulah yang mampu meyakinkan aku

Yang kau telah pergi buat selamanya

Menghadap Allah dengan tenang dan bahagia

After 21 days my brother Khalid passed away, I am still struggling to accept the fact that he has left us forever to return to Allah Almighty. We will remember and deeply miss him forever. I can’t believe I’ve lost my brother, someone that very close to us. Before this I’ve lost two of my grandfathers and a grandmother. I was not beside them during their last breath. Atuk Maidin passed away when I was 14 years old. That was my first experience and I was really sad and I can’t even look at him in a dying state. I went to the kitchen and sit under the kitchen table and cried, cried and cried. Five years later, atuk Hj.Omar left me, followed by my grandmother just last year.

 I was very grateful I was chosen by Allah to be by Khalid’s side at the time of his last breath.(Ummi is deeply saddened for being deprived to be with him during the last moment of parting…but this is all pre-arranged by Allah who is All Knower) I saw with my own pair of eyes how he released his last two breaths. As soon as ummi went out to take a bath, I went inside…we took turn to be at his side. I looked at the blood pressure machine, his BP was dropping and the doctor said “Your brother is going, call your parents”. I called ummi but failed. A few minutes after that, his oxygen saturation and BP cannot be read, only the heart was still beating. I went to his side and recited the kalimah to him…I said…ingat Allah Khalid…Allah, Allah, Allah….At that time I can’t take it anymore…I cried really hard and I can see him took two deep breaths and became silent just like that…I felt his pulse and it was not there…his heart rate dropped to 26 beats per minute…the doctor said he had passed away….I waited until the monitor showed a straight line…I can’t describe how much sorrow I felt that time…

I’ve lost my brother who was very healthy in spite of the disease that he got. Before he had shortness of breath on Monday, he was okay, he could still walk, go to the bathroom by himself, pray….Everything started on Monday afternoon when he had shortness of breath….doctor inserted a CVP and he was on oxygen and dopamine…later when it was not resolved  they gave him BiPAP (bilateral positive airway pressure ventilatory support)…That thing compressed his face and give pressure to his face…his nose was swollen because of the thing…I can’t forget how he struggled so much to breathe…he was really tachypnoeic…he used all his accessory respiratory muscles….despite all that his spO2 was still low. I never see him cry before but during this time I can see his tears flowing out….he must be in pain…he wanted to urinate and I offered to help him but he refused….although he was in respiratory distress, he still didn’t want me to help him….He is a very shy and modest person, he has always been so….I gave him the uriner and wet tissues to him. It was a very heartbreaking moment to witness how determined he was to do things himself despite being in a critical state. May Allah Most Gracious reward him for his endurance of this difficult and trying moments. He had tears again which is self explanatory of what he is going through.

On that Monday night,  abah, ummi, Zubair, Huzaifah, nenek, ami, nek ummi n makcik were also there to be by his side. There was very little or hardly any communication between all of them and Khalid because he was no longer able to speak. At about 12pm abah and the others went to a hotel to take a rest and ummi and I stayed.  It was so hurtful to look at him….I asked him to take a deep breath and then let go….He was okay for a few minutes but then tachypnoeic again, his respiratory rate was above 40 per minute….he looked restless. At 2 in the morning ummi asked me to sleep while she took care of him. At 3 ummi woke me up and said Khalid had to be intubated. The doctor feared that if he kept on being tachypnoeic like that he would just collapse. When Ummi told Khalid that he had to be intubated…at first he didn’t want to do it but later he agreed….he gave ummi a long stare….until the anaesthesiologist asked us to go out…I asked for a permission to stay but she said that it is better if I was not there. After about a few minutes, everything was done and he was unconscious….I never imagined that he will be like this. The aspergillus that attacked his right lung multiplied really fast because Khalid was immunosuppressed for a long period…his WBC was 0.1 for 14 days….following a high dose chemotherapy regime(MIDAC) plus Campath

His temperature was very high…I did tepid sponging for him to reduce the temperature. I sprayed zam-zam water to his palm and wiped over his face, and wet his lips with the water. I never do these things for him before and hardly touch him because we know that he didn’t like it. Abah came at 4 in the morning. We read Quran and Yasin for him. I went for tahajjud and Subuh prayer in a musolla and I prayed that Allah will cure him…InsyaAllah the antifungal agents can get rid of the fungal infection….and this is the first time I make dua  that Allah will give the best to him….if death is the best for him…kami redha…tapi if umur dia masih panjang…please cure him…don’t let him suffer…we as muslims should believe in qada’ n qadar Allah. Before this everytime in the last sujud, I asked Allah to cure him completely…as long as I’m healthy he will be too. Till now during my last sujud….terdoa camtu…..before I realized that he already went to see the Almighty.  All Praise be to Allah for giving me such a great brother, whose nineteen years of presence in this temporary world is that of pure goodness, calmness and happiness which my family and I will miss forever. ALLAHUMAGHFIRLAHU WARHAMHU WA’AFIHI WA’FU’ANHU